Teacher Leaves Family for Student

 

**UPDATE**

Mr. Hooker has now been arrested for oral copulation with another student!!  Uhoh!  Mr. Hooker and young Ms. Powers are no longer a couple.  It seems that Mr. Hooker was just on the lookout for a willing participant...took him a while to find one, but eventually....he found Ms. Powers.  I hope that Ms. Powers can heal from this and try to get back some of her precious childhood.

What the what?

A 41 year old teacher quits his job and moves into an apartment with his 18 year old student.

Okay, let me start by saying that I've always liked the older guys.  I'd say a good 75% of my boyfriends were at least a year older than me.

•  When I was 17, a high school senior, I started dating a 22 year old college guy with whom I worked at a movie theater.
• When I was 18, I started dating a  23 year old Navy guy who was a mutual acquaintance of a friend. 
• When I was 20, I started dating a 29 year old unconventional college student that my best friends jokingly called "grandpa Tony".
• When I was 21, I dated a former SEAL turned college student who was 26.
• After graduating college, when I was 22, I blew my parents mind when I started dating a co-worker who was 41, divorced, and had a pre-teen son. 
• When I was 23, I met my now husband, who was 33 at the time.

I do get that some girls just like older men.  (And no, I don't have daddy issues.  My parents have been married 37 years and my father has always been a great parent.)  I've just always been more attracted to the older and gruffer George Clooneys and Russel Crowes than the baby faced and pretty Leo Dicaprios and Brad Pitts.  (Yes, those were the popular young actors when I was a pre-teen/teen).  I liked going on dates to restaurants and talking about current events and life more than eating pizza at his apartment with his roommates while playing sega.

But, here is a main difference between my stories and this one.

1. None of the men I dated were married. - This man was married with children when he started this relationship with this 18 year old. 
2. None of them were my teacher. - They were my classmates, peers, or colleagues.   They were not authority figures (like a teacher is).

I'm not going to sit here and assume that he preyed on her.  I can remember 20 year old Amber having a huge crush on a certain professor in college.  And I flirted my butt off at every (unnecessary) office visit.  If he had ever asked me out, I would have JUMPED at the chance.  However, he ignored my advances.  As 33 year old Amber knows he should have.  Because it would have been unprofessional.

This man, this teacher, was in a position of authority over this young girl.  And regardless of whatever school-aged crush she may or may not have already had on him, he should have been the responsible adult and rebuked her advances.

When I was teaching middle school ESL, many of my students were older than typical 8th graders.  One 15 year old constantly flattered me with compliments.  He'd tell me I was pretty, that I smelled like strawberries (don't know why...), always complimented my clothes, my hair, my eyes.  He would try to sit way too inappropriately close so he could smell me.  He wrote me poems.

I was 26.  Single (my now husband and I were "on a break").  And incredibly flattered.  Do you know what I did?

1. I took him aside privately and told him that it was incredibly inappropriate and asked him to stop. 
2. I went to the Assistant Principal's office and let her know what was going on. (This was just a few years after the Mary Kay Letourneau and Vili Fualaau scandal, and I was leaving nothing to chance!  I wanted the administration to be involved in my handling of the situation, so it could never come back to hurt me.)

Did he ever stop?  No.  Not really.  He had a school aged crush.  He is entitled to that.  (Lord knows I had them, Sarah.)  But I, as the teacher, as the responsible adult, had the duty to let him know that it was inappropriate, and constantly ask him to stop inappropriate comments/behavior.  (Even if it was flattering.) If this teacher had kept his student at a professional distance, and not engaged inappropriately, than they never could have fallen in love in the first place, because he never could have known her on a personal level to fall in love with her.  Problem solved.

The thing is...she is 18, so if he was attracted to her and she was pursuing him, and he did want to pursue a May-December relationship with her, he could have...AFTER she graduated.  As it is, she was his student (she is still in school presumably) and that isere it crosses the line to me.

I won't even address the was he/wasn't he pursuing her before she turned 18.  Because honestly, I do see the arbitrariness of the age of consent thing.  Heck, according to age of consent laws, nearly all of my boyfriends from age 16/17 on should have gone to jail.  But I would never say I was a poor preyed upon minor being taken advantage of by 18/19 year old boys.  I feel these things aren't black and white, rather shades of gray.  Often a 22 year old "man" is no more mature than a 17 year old teenager, so I'd hesitate to punish someone legally for that relationship.  But a 41 year old teacher and his underaged student (supposedly the inappropriate texts and phone calls started when she was a 14 year old freshman), yea that has a neon sign flashing "illegal" to me.

What do you think Sarah?

Dear Amber,

The other angle that I take issue with are the teacher's co-workers.  Teachers, other school staff, nurses, and doctors and others in a helping profession are "mandated reporters."  Therefore they are responsible for the well being of every student and to report any suspected abuse of a student; unfortunately this relationship does not qualify as "abuse." 

 I don't believe for one second that others at the school did not have reasonable suspicion to allege there was an inappropriate relationship between this student and teacher.  Most teenage girls like to brag and boast about their boyfriends and as a culture we are all sucked into gossip.   All too often we take an "it's not my business," attitude when it comes to other people's children.  

(Tangent alert!)

This is best exemplified in the book "A Child Called it." In his book, Dave Pelzer painstakingly describes the abuse he received at the hands of his mentally ill mother and how all the obvious signs of abuse are ignored by neighbors, family friends, and school professionals.  Dave's story is one of the worst child abuse cases in the history of the State of California.  If you have not read this book, get it, read it!!!!!!!  No it's not uplifting, but it is powerful.

I feel it is time for our Mandated Reporter laws to include Statuatory Rape and more specifically any suspected inappropriate relationship between a student and a teacher, through high school graduation. Currently most Mandated Reporter laws do not include Statuatory Rape because it is not defined as "child abuse."

The biggest issue I have with this whole situation is the fact that this man has left his wife and 3 children!   He quit his job, so does that mean he no longer has the income to support his children?  Do they no longer have health insurance because he no longer has a job?  He is not likely to find another teaching job in California, will he move to another state to find employment?  That would mean his 3 children would live without a father who is present and involved.

I'm so sick of the "follow your heart" crap..."We're just following our hearts."  that's stupid.  This man should've followed his head!  Clearly, he made the decision to "follow his heart" when he married his wife.  I understand that sometimes it is difficult to continue loving the person you "decided" to love so long ago, but you did just that. 
I am in no way suggesting people should never divorce, since I've been there once myself.  However, you decided you were going to love this person, and sometimes you might actually have to resist temptation and remind yourself that you made an incredibly important decision.  Temptations are prevalent, so let's try to exercise our "resistance muscles."  Following your heart and making decisions solely based on emotion are not a firm basis for a long term relationship.  Of course you need to "feel" affection for your significant other, but sometimes you need to DECIDE to love someone.  Together you can have fun finding ways to make the decision to love each other over and over and over again.

If you're a teacher and are interested in learning ways to prevent these student-teacher romantic relationships you can check out this article from the California Teachers Association http://www.cta.org/Member-Services/New-Member-Center/You-Can-Not-Be-Too-Careful.aspx

 Amber you may have a "thing" for older men, I do not.  I like mine younger, just a year or two though.  I do however have a thing for "Elder" men.  : )