This one is a doosie

Sarah,

Are you ready for the blog to blow up?  It's about to get real.  I'm about to admit something that might make you (and a lot of other people) hate me!  (That's if other people actually read our blog.)

I follow a blog called Get off My Internets where the author basically makes fun of popular bloggers.  I won't go into here why I started following him or what I think about his blog.  That is a whole nother blog.

But I want to discuss a recent post he did about a popular blogger (who I had never heard of) who recently found herself pregnant with an older man who she had only been dating 2.5 months.  She is using twitter and her blog to call him out for not wanting to parent this child.  Actually, he wanted her to get an abortion.

She wants this baby (fast forward from when she found out, she is now 13 weeks pregnant and officially in her 2nd trimester) and is livid that he won't "pay up".  She doesn't have health insurance, so she wants him to pay her medical costs during the pregnancy (apparently he is a hot shot something or other and makes a "6-figure salary") and is already making threats to drag him to court for child support when the baby is born in 27 weeks.

Okay, here is where people are going to start throwing tomatoes.

Sarah, I do not think that a man should have to pay financial support for a child he clearly stated he didn't want.

Okay, stop booing, and hear me out.

If a man and a woman agree to have a baby, and then the man splits, I do think he owes financial support, because they made a choice together to have a baby.  She went into it thinking she would have a partner.

But when the women hide the pregnancies or choose to continue a pregnancy after the men say they do not care to be the father, I feel those women should be solely responsible for being the parent.  She CHOSE to have a baby.  She CHOSE to be a single mom.  She should put on her big girl panties and deal with her choices.  She knew he didn't want the child, but she had it anyway.

Oh, I've heard the dissenters: He CHOSE to lay in bed with her.  It takes two to tango!  He knew what could happen.

But Sarah, c'mon, what man is in charge of my reproduction?  Okay, I know Mitt Romeny wants to be in charge of it, but currently it is still legal in the United States for women to use any birth control they choose.  WE are in charge of protecting ourselves.  Only WE know our bodies.  WE know when we are ovulating.

For instance.  You know Thing 1 and Thing 2 were unofficially unplanned.  After Superman and I got engaged, I went off the pill (in preparation to begin "trying" after the wedding).  We were using the "rhythm method."  And I ended up pregnant because, as he likes to joke, "Amber can't count to 28."  I had miscalculated my ovulation by just a few days and Wham! pregnant with twins!  (Give me a break, I'd been on the pill for 10 years!)  Superman knew nothing about my menstrual cycle.  He depended on me to make sure we used condoms during the right days.  I miscalculated and ended up 3 months prematurely pregnant.

So people can shout "he knew what he was doing" all day long, but I would argue that most men just count on women to know their own bodies and own birth control methods well enough to prevent unplanned pregnancies.  (BTW Superman has had no say in my post-pregnancy birth control choices either.  I just say "I'm going to be using this now." And he says "Okay" because he trusts I know my body best.)

Now, you know I'm extremely pro-choice.  I believe a choice whether or not to have a baby is between a mother, a father, and their doctor.  No one else.

I feel for a father that wants a baby that a mother doesn't want, because it is still her body, and he can't (nor should he be able to) force a woman to carry to term an unwanted pregnancy.  In the end, she wins.

But if a father doesn't want the baby, and a mother does, she wins again.  It is her body and he can't force her to abort (nor should he be able to!!).  But I also don't think it means he should have to parent (physically or financially) against his will.  She wants to be a mom, great.  But I think she has to accept that she is going to have to be a single mom, and accept all that that entails.

I know that I'm in the minority.  Not even Superman agrees with me.  But this is my opinion.

(Lucky for the women of the world that I'm not a child support judge!!)

So Sarah, what do you think?  Do you agree with me?  Disagree with me?  Can you see any reasonable logic in my opinion?

Dear Amber,

First let me say I think you're nuts! 

Here's why.  If the legal father of her child does not pay child support or for medical coverage, guess who will??--we will.  She will likely apply for benefits through the local Social Services office, ie Medicaid to cover medical costs, possibly TANF for financial support, as well as WIC and food stamps--in the long run this baby will cost Americans as a whole far more than it would cost for the legal father of her unborn child to step up to the plate.  Just so you know, when a pregnant woman applies for benefits through Social Services, she is obligated to provide the name of the child's father so that the state can seek financial compensation for the benefits they will be providing the child, by way of child support enforcement.  The state will be forced to establish paternity and will then make every effort to ensure child support payments are made to the child.  If she cannot afford to provide for this child, and does not have other means of support, our tax dollars will serve as the father's payments.  Big Booooo!!

Also, if this man did not want to father a child, should he not have worn a condom?  He would then have taken responsibility for his tiny swimmers to ensure they stayed in the shallow end.--since he did not take these precautions he is responsible for the life his tiny swimmers have created. 

I do not think he should be forced to participate in the act of parenting, although I think it would be a shame if he did not.  He needs to pay child support.  She should pay for her own medical costs or apply for Medicaid to cover any prenatal expenses.  The child support he pays should not be determined by what he WANTS.  Tough titty said the kitty.  Regardless of his wants, his tiny swimmers wanted to meet her egg and thus have created life and life is not cheap.   

I also disagree with you on the birth control issue.  I think that should be a discussion between a woman and her partner.  It's not that I don't think a woman has the right to control what happens to her body; however if you have decided to build a life with someone, both parties should be discussing birth control options and then discussing with a physician prior to making a decision.  I wish Dik and I had talked more with my OB/GYN before the two of us decided that I would have a tubal ligation after having MLM.   Regardless, Dik and I have made these birth control decisions together.  Also, deciding the # of children to have should be agreed upon by both persons.  Neither partner should have all encompassing power to make that decision.  

When BTM was 3 we took a family vacation and spent a week sharing a cabin with our friends, The Hetricks.  (Who I often refer to as 'my Hetrick babes.')  The Hetricks had OFH 3 years old, CMH 1 year old, and announced to us they were pregnant with #3, later named SGH.  Throughout the week, I had the pleasure of watching OFH and CMH play together and love on each other; the joy of their sibling relationship made my heart melt and my ovaries started to sing!!!  The night the Hetricks left the cabin to head for home, we put BTM in bed a little early, as soon as I heard his little snore I broke down, crying like I'd lost a puppy.  Dik was scared as I do not cry often.  Then, through the tears and in between the sobs I exclaimed "We need another baby, BTM needs a sibling"  At which point Dik went from scared to completely and thoroughly frightened.  After hours of conversation, he agreed, reluctantly at first as we had decided together that one child would be enough for our family.  A month later I had my IUD removed, two weeks after that I was pregnant with MLM.  Throughout my pregnancy Dik was in a bit of denial and was not sure how another child would fit into our family.  However, MLM was born and changed her daddy's mind.  He may not have "wanted" another pregnancy, but once she was born he definitely "needed" a # 2.     

Every relationship relies on honesty, flexibility, and the desire to please your partner on multiple levels.  Sometimes you have to give more than you thought you could and other times you receive more than you ever thought you needed.  Dik knew I wanted another baby and Dik loves me.  With much encouragement and discussion, along with MLM's bright blue eyes and spunky nature Dik is now thankful for my singing ovaries and our vacation to "the cabin."  Couples need to make these decisions together, however accidents happen and unplanned pregnancies are a reality.  In this situation, I believe that couple should suck it up, do things the old fashioned way....get married...raise a family and make your marriage work.  

I hope the father of this child opens his wallet and his heart and receives this child with love and excitement!

 



Dear Sarah,

I knew you wouldn't agree.  I rarely meet a person who does.  But I maintain my opinion.  Certainly I feel there are exceptions, but overall, if I were the law, I would not hold these men accountable for children they didn't want in the first place.

The feminist in me says:  You want to be a single mother?  Great!  Be a single mother!  You don't need a man to take care of you and your baby!  Take care of yourself!  And if you can't...don't have a baby!  Wait until you meet a partner who wants to have a baby with you.

Let me clear up a few things about this particular situation:

#1 This woman can't not afford being a mom.  She is upper middle class.  She will not go on food stamps.  She doesn't have medicare/govt heath help because she does not qualify (makes too much money).  For example, she bought the man flying lessons as a Christmas present (mentioned in her blog).  What she wants is to have her cake and eat it too.  She wants to have this baby, but have this man supplement the costs so that she can maintain her current lifestyle.

#2 They were not a committed couple.  She clearly states that they had only known one another 2.5 months when she found out she was pregnant.  Do some people meet and have *oops* pregnancies and stay together, even maybe sucking it up and get married, and it works out?  Yes, it happens.  But more often than not, those relationships and marriages do not last.

#3 Yes, I agree men should wear condoms as a safety net.  But overall I believe a woman is ultimately responsible for the health of her own body, and that includes protecting it from pregnancy.  I might have more sympathy for her if it was a case of failed birth control, but she freely admits it was unprotected sex.  Yes, my boys are a result of unprotected sex, but we had a que sera sera attitude about pregnancy at that point.  We'd been together 5 years and were 3 months away from being married and trying to get pregnant.  You don't have que sera sera sex with a guy you've been dating 2.5 months, oh, that is unless maybe you secretly and/or subconsciously hope you might get pregnant.

Maybe part of the issue is that I'm cynical about these situations, because I have seen way too many *oops* pregnancies that seemed to be perfectly designed to trap a guy.  This woman's whole blog post to me reeks of a woman who saw her opportunity at a prize man, and she thought getting pregnant with his kid would be her golden ticket.  Now she's mad that he isn't too keen on her plan.  This is mostly due to her over and over again telling him to *pay up* even though she's not even had the baby yet (just barely into her 2nd trimester).

It infuriates me that there are women out there (and I know a few) that use pregnancy (a child!) for controlling and manipulating men.  #1 It's not fair to the child, who will most likely grow up without a father and/or a father who resents them.  #2 It's not fair to a father to be manipulated that way.  And #3 if gives every other woman a bad name.  And makes people suspicious of those women who truly experience true *oops* pregnancies.

But we shall agree to disagree. :)  It's bound to happen now and again.

Amber,

Point taken, will continue to disagree.  However, this woman ought to be ashamed that she couldn't resolve these issues with her boyfriend without dragging it all out in public--that's just gross.  Besides...Life is not fair!  So what if the woman wins when it comes to making babies?