I am looking foward to seeing you soon!
Dear Amber,
Yay! Can't wait it's been decades! Holy crap, did I say decades?!
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Kony 2012
Dear Sarah,
Have you seen this video yet?
I first became aware of the organization Invisible Children in 2005. I think I heard about them on the Oprah show. (?)
I was drawn to this cause, and even attended a few Invisible Children events. But I live in a middle class, white bread world, and this cause fell off my radar when I moved to Ohio (new job...new marriage...new babies).
I think this is a beautiful documentary bringing to light an incredibly important issue that WE ALL as humans should be considered about.
But you know what ticks me off Sarah? It seems any time there are these organizations seeking to do good, there are people whose sole mission in life it seems is to try to discredit them and knock them down. As the Kony 2012 mission is beginning to take off, so come out of the woodwork people trying to sabotage them. Take this article on the Daily What. They call the Invisible Children (a non-profit organization designed to prevent the murder of children) "misleading,” “naive,” and “dangerous”. Want to see the original sentence that these quotes refer to:
There’s also something inherently misleading, naive, maybe even dangerous, about the idea of rescuing children or saving of Africa. It’s often not an accidental choice of words, even if it’s unwitting. It hints uncomfortably of the White Man’s Burden.
So, these men think this movement is dangerous because it encourages "white men" (1st would countries) to help stop atrocities on "black men" (3rd world countries).
He also goes on to try and discredit the organization for spending a large chunk of it's revenue producing the above documentary. The documentary they are using to bring awareness and action to their cause.
I will admit. I am not a fan of organizations that seem to operate for the sole purpose of awareness (ahem, Susan B. Komen). However, if you watch the video, they are trying to lay out a plan! The awareness is their effort to get the plan going. You have to get citizens united about a cause, or the politicians won't care.
The narrator of the documentary wrote this article in response to the swirling criticism. Including this break down of their 2011 finances:
I'm not saying people shouldn't question. They should. And we should hold organizations accountable. But Sarah, when every organization is constantly challenged and degraded and discredited, what do we have left to believe in? To support?
Maybe it's Pollyanna of me, but I'd like to believe that more people are compassionate and care about these types of causes than we would believe, but they are being held back from speaking up or participating because we have become a nation of cynicals and doubters. We think every organization is just out to misappropriate funds and benefit someone/thing other than the cause it names.
For now, I'm choosing to support the Invisible Children. And I already ordered a pack of 25 posters ($5) from their website to post around my town on April 20. Because I can spare $5 and an hour or so of my time if it will in any way support a cause to bring less suffering to people who have experienced so much.
Thoughts?
Have you seen this video yet?
I first became aware of the organization Invisible Children in 2005. I think I heard about them on the Oprah show. (?)
I was drawn to this cause, and even attended a few Invisible Children events. But I live in a middle class, white bread world, and this cause fell off my radar when I moved to Ohio (new job...new marriage...new babies).
I think this is a beautiful documentary bringing to light an incredibly important issue that WE ALL as humans should be considered about.
But you know what ticks me off Sarah? It seems any time there are these organizations seeking to do good, there are people whose sole mission in life it seems is to try to discredit them and knock them down. As the Kony 2012 mission is beginning to take off, so come out of the woodwork people trying to sabotage them. Take this article on the Daily What. They call the Invisible Children (a non-profit organization designed to prevent the murder of children) "misleading,” “naive,” and “dangerous”. Want to see the original sentence that these quotes refer to:
There’s also something inherently misleading, naive, maybe even dangerous, about the idea of rescuing children or saving of Africa. It’s often not an accidental choice of words, even if it’s unwitting. It hints uncomfortably of the White Man’s Burden.
So, these men think this movement is dangerous because it encourages "white men" (1st would countries) to help stop atrocities on "black men" (3rd world countries).
He also goes on to try and discredit the organization for spending a large chunk of it's revenue producing the above documentary. The documentary they are using to bring awareness and action to their cause.
I will admit. I am not a fan of organizations that seem to operate for the sole purpose of awareness (ahem, Susan B. Komen). However, if you watch the video, they are trying to lay out a plan! The awareness is their effort to get the plan going. You have to get citizens united about a cause, or the politicians won't care.
The narrator of the documentary wrote this article in response to the swirling criticism. Including this break down of their 2011 finances:
I'm not saying people shouldn't question. They should. And we should hold organizations accountable. But Sarah, when every organization is constantly challenged and degraded and discredited, what do we have left to believe in? To support?
Maybe it's Pollyanna of me, but I'd like to believe that more people are compassionate and care about these types of causes than we would believe, but they are being held back from speaking up or participating because we have become a nation of cynicals and doubters. We think every organization is just out to misappropriate funds and benefit someone/thing other than the cause it names.
For now, I'm choosing to support the Invisible Children. And I already ordered a pack of 25 posters ($5) from their website to post around my town on April 20. Because I can spare $5 and an hour or so of my time if it will in any way support a cause to bring less suffering to people who have experienced so much.
Thoughts?
Dear Amber,
I hadn't seen this video, until just a few moments ago. A co-worker forwarded this video to me this morning. I didn't want to open the video at work and forgot to open when I got home.
As a mother I cannot imagine living in Uganda and the worry they experience. As a person, what is taking place in Uganda is heart breaking, gut wrenching, appalling, inhumane, a tragedy that will ear mark this generation.
Reading the article about Invisible Children offers reassurance that the charitable contributions are managed effectively and that IR takes fiscal responsibility seriously.
Am I surprised that our media and members of our society are attempting to tarnish IR's reputation?-No. Some folks operate on a glass 1/2 empty, the world is out to get me, nobody likes me and I might as well go eat worms perspective. Could racism be driving some of these individuals...abso-freakinglutely! Is it shameful and disgusting...yes indeed.
We to catch this guy and stop the horrible crimes committed!
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Nursing Home Meth Lab Fire
There was an explosion and fire at Park Haven Nursing Home in Ashtabula, OH; the result of a meth lab allegedly built by visitors of a Park Haven resident. According to police reports the resident was aware of the meth lab in his room. Park Haven Nursing Home is a Medicare/Medicaid certified SNF/LTC facility operating with a 50 bed capacity; in the world of LTC this is a small facility. I've worked in nursing homes that have upwards of 240 residents. This can only be the result of a severe lack of oversight on not only the part of management of Park Haven, but also the result of staff who lack empathy and the ability to advocate for their residents.
Park Haven has received citations from the Dept of Health which include an Immediate Jeopardy (IJ) tag because they failed to give each resident care and services to get or keep the highest quality of life possible. They were also given an Actual Harm tag because they did not make sure that the nursing home area is free of dangers that cause accidents. What is most frightening to me as a Long term care social worker is this tag; Park Haven failed to keep each resident free from physical restraints, unless needed for medical treatment. Physical restraints have not been used in Nursing Homes for decades. Hospitals continue to use physical restraints when necessary for patient safety, but nursing homes have been tasked with removing physical and pharmacological restraints for a long time now.
There are so many good nursing homes in our country. Poor management and crappy hiring practices can result in tragedies such as this one. I don't understand how no one noticed the smell or that when you walked by this room your eyes began to water, your skin would feel like it was burning?? Nursing home rooms aren't exactly spacious, surely the scent and heavy chemical presence would have saturated this room and leaked out into the hallways and adjacent rooms.
 |
| Meth can really make ya ugly. |
A bigger problem is that nursing homes are admitting younger patients, who have no discharge plans. They have no family support, no one to take care of them when they're done with their rehabilitation. Our country is not equipped to deal with a young, disabled, drug abusing population; housing these people in nursing homes is a poor solution and a disservice to our elderly.
So Amber, what do we do with our young, disabled, drug abusing population that is crowding desperate for funds nursing homes? Most of these young people are on Medicaid, the nursing homes likely receive $156.17 per day to care for these young people...in most cases that doesn't even cover the cost of the medications they need and the food they eat, let alone the care they're supposed to be receiving.
Dear Sarah,
I don't know a lot about meth users. Or meth rehabilitation. Or why anyone would ever want to use meth in the first place.
I volunteer at a low barrier homeless shelter every Tuesday night. Most of our guests are whacked out of their minds when they come to us. There are other homeless shelters in town, more permanent ones, but you have to be sober to stay there. Ours has no restrictions and is only open (at rotating churches) during the winter months. Our only goal is to keep these people from freezing to death.
It makes me happy to help them and provide this service, but it makes me terribly sad that there are so many people that refuse good treatment, because it requires them to quit using first. That kind of addiction is just something I cannot understand.
Nursing homes are not detox facilities. Neither the staff nor the patients would benefit from active drug users residing in the facility. Addicts need rehab...if they don't want rehab...maybe they should live on the streets? Maybe they should be in jail? I don't have the answer, I just don't want a bunch of drug addicts among my elders.
Monday, March 5, 2012
Bundle of Joy
Sarah,
On a lighter note...
I was pleased this afternoon to see the headline Nick & Vanessa Lachey Expecting a Baby. I am just a hair too old for the N*Sync/BackStreetBoys/98degrees boy band craze. So I couldn't have even told you who Nick Lachey was before watching The Newlyweds on MTV. But while watching the show, I developed a severe like of Lachey.
He was so midwestern to me. So unspoiled compared to Jessica. I remember when they moved into their new house, he didn't want to pay for movers to move some huge pinball machine, so he and his brother rented a fork lift and attempted to do it themselves while Jessica kept whining to "just pay someone do it." For the record, if I was his wife, I would have been saying the same thing (but without the whine...mine is more of a told-you-so-nag), but I loved that he was convinced he and his brother could do it themselves when most rich people would just "pay someone."
I loved him balking over Jessica spending thousands of dollars on egyptian cotton sheets that she thought was a necessity. I loved that he faithfully wore his Cincinnati Reds baseball cap every where he went. He loved going camping.
He just always came off as untouched by all of the fame and money. He seemed like a guy you'd want to have a beer with.
She seemed like a naive, spoiled little girl. Not someone I'd hate, but someone who would annoy me. Like the biology partner who would want you to do all of the lab work because "(sigh) uh (whine) I just got my nails done." She seemed so needy. Like she needed people to take care of her. Not a quality I appreciate in capable able-bodied adults. But the fact that he seemed to want to take care of her, for better or for worse, made me like him all the more.
When they got divorced, I was sad for them. Sad that perhaps the limelight on their marriage might have doomed an otherwise possibly lovely and successful union.
I hoped good things for them as they moved on.
Jessica seemed to bounce back. She was as popular as ever. And dating famous sport star after sport star to prove it.
Nick tried to release a single and video. I must admit, I found it cheesy. The man can definitely sing, but obviously needs better management.
Then I saw him act in a few things. Okay, Nick Lachey, if you are reading this QUIT TRYING TO BE A SINGER, AND FOCUS ON ACTING! YOU ARE A PRETTY GOOD ACTOR! Superman and I both agreed that he should give up the day job (cheesy love songs) and try to find some full time acting gigs.
His relationship with Vanessa has been quiet, but seemingly stable. They always seem happy, but never showy or put on.
I was happy to hear of their wedding last summer. They really took their time getting to know one another and making sure it was the right time before taking that very serious commitment step.
And now, they are having a baby! I'm very happy for them. I really do bet they'll be great, loving, and committed parents.
I don't know Nick Lachey. I'll never meet him. I have no desire to meet him. But I'm just impressed by him. By his down-to-earthness. He just reminds me of so many guys I've known and liked. And I wish him and Vanessa the best of luck as they embark on this new journey in their lives together.
Amber,
I think it's cute how excited he was to announce her pregnancy.
For the record, I was a BIG N'Sync fan! Even saw them in concert when I was in college, I think in Hershey, PA.
I've never given much thought to Nick Lachey as an individual. I liked him in The Newlyweds, I thought he was very patient. He seemed like a caring husband.
I had a difficult time deciphering whether or not Jessica's ditzy blonde moments were genuine or simply a ploy for attention. Either way it was obnoxious.
Betcha Vanessa will be completely adorable with a basketball shaped tummy and little to no swelling or fluid retention :) Vanessa, I wish you 40 weeks of wonder and anticipation; eat your beloved burritos as often as you'd like, take advantage of the foot rubs, bask in the glory of decorating a nursery, and love that little baby like there's no tomorrow.
He was so midwestern to me. So unspoiled compared to Jessica. I remember when they moved into their new house, he didn't want to pay for movers to move some huge pinball machine, so he and his brother rented a fork lift and attempted to do it themselves while Jessica kept whining to "just pay someone do it." For the record, if I was his wife, I would have been saying the same thing (but without the whine...mine is more of a told-you-so-nag), but I loved that he was convinced he and his brother could do it themselves when most rich people would just "pay someone."
I loved him balking over Jessica spending thousands of dollars on egyptian cotton sheets that she thought was a necessity. I loved that he faithfully wore his Cincinnati Reds baseball cap every where he went. He loved going camping.
He just always came off as untouched by all of the fame and money. He seemed like a guy you'd want to have a beer with.
She seemed like a naive, spoiled little girl. Not someone I'd hate, but someone who would annoy me. Like the biology partner who would want you to do all of the lab work because "(sigh) uh (whine) I just got my nails done." She seemed so needy. Like she needed people to take care of her. Not a quality I appreciate in capable able-bodied adults. But the fact that he seemed to want to take care of her, for better or for worse, made me like him all the more.
When they got divorced, I was sad for them. Sad that perhaps the limelight on their marriage might have doomed an otherwise possibly lovely and successful union.
I hoped good things for them as they moved on.
Jessica seemed to bounce back. She was as popular as ever. And dating famous sport star after sport star to prove it.Nick tried to release a single and video. I must admit, I found it cheesy. The man can definitely sing, but obviously needs better management.
Then I saw him act in a few things. Okay, Nick Lachey, if you are reading this QUIT TRYING TO BE A SINGER, AND FOCUS ON ACTING! YOU ARE A PRETTY GOOD ACTOR! Superman and I both agreed that he should give up the day job (cheesy love songs) and try to find some full time acting gigs.
His relationship with Vanessa has been quiet, but seemingly stable. They always seem happy, but never showy or put on.
I was happy to hear of their wedding last summer. They really took their time getting to know one another and making sure it was the right time before taking that very serious commitment step.
And now, they are having a baby! I'm very happy for them. I really do bet they'll be great, loving, and committed parents.
I don't know Nick Lachey. I'll never meet him. I have no desire to meet him. But I'm just impressed by him. By his down-to-earthness. He just reminds me of so many guys I've known and liked. And I wish him and Vanessa the best of luck as they embark on this new journey in their lives together.
Amber,
I think it's cute how excited he was to announce her pregnancy.
For the record, I was a BIG N'Sync fan! Even saw them in concert when I was in college, I think in Hershey, PA.
I've never given much thought to Nick Lachey as an individual. I liked him in The Newlyweds, I thought he was very patient. He seemed like a caring husband.
I had a difficult time deciphering whether or not Jessica's ditzy blonde moments were genuine or simply a ploy for attention. Either way it was obnoxious.
Betcha Vanessa will be completely adorable with a basketball shaped tummy and little to no swelling or fluid retention :) Vanessa, I wish you 40 weeks of wonder and anticipation; eat your beloved burritos as often as you'd like, take advantage of the foot rubs, bask in the glory of decorating a nursery, and love that little baby like there's no tomorrow.
This one is a doosie
Sarah,
Are you ready for the blog to blow up? It's about to get real. I'm about to admit something that might make you (and a lot of other people) hate me! (That's if other people actually read our blog.)
I follow a blog called Get off My Internets where the author basically makes fun of popular bloggers. I won't go into here why I started following him or what I think about his blog. That is a whole nother blog.
But I want to discuss a recent post he did about a popular blogger (who I had never heard of) who recently found herself pregnant with an older man who she had only been dating 2.5 months. She is using twitter and her blog to call him out for not wanting to parent this child. Actually, he wanted her to get an abortion.
She wants this baby (fast forward from when she found out, she is now 13 weeks pregnant and officially in her 2nd trimester) and is livid that he won't "pay up". She doesn't have health insurance, so she wants him to pay her medical costs during the pregnancy (apparently he is a hot shot something or other and makes a "6-figure salary") and is already making threats to drag him to court for child support when the baby is born in 27 weeks.
Okay, here is where people are going to start throwing tomatoes.
Sarah, I do not think that a man should have to pay financial support for a child he clearly stated he didn't want.
Okay, stop booing, and hear me out.
If a man and a woman agree to have a baby, and then the man splits, I do think he owes financial support, because they made a choice together to have a baby. She went into it thinking she would have a partner.
But when the women hide the pregnancies or choose to continue a pregnancy after the men say they do not care to be the father, I feel those women should be solely responsible for being the parent. She CHOSE to have a baby. She CHOSE to be a single mom. She should put on her big girl panties and deal with her choices. She knew he didn't want the child, but she had it anyway.
Oh, I've heard the dissenters: He CHOSE to lay in bed with her. It takes two to tango! He knew what could happen.
But Sarah, c'mon, what man is in charge of my reproduction? Okay, I know Mitt Romeny wants to be in charge of it, but currently it is still legal in the United States for women to use any birth control they choose. WE are in charge of protecting ourselves. Only WE know our bodies. WE know when we are ovulating.
For instance. You know Thing 1 and Thing 2 were unofficially unplanned. After Superman and I got engaged, I went off the pill (in preparation to begin "trying" after the wedding). We were using the "rhythm method." And I ended up pregnant because, as he likes to joke, "Amber can't count to 28." I had miscalculated my ovulation by just a few days and Wham! pregnant with twins! (Give me a break, I'd been on the pill for 10 years!) Superman knew nothing about my menstrual cycle. He depended on me to make sure we used condoms during the right days. I miscalculated and ended up 3 months prematurely pregnant.
So people can shout "he knew what he was doing" all day long, but I would argue that most men just count on women to know their own bodies and own birth control methods well enough to prevent unplanned pregnancies. (BTW Superman has had no say in my post-pregnancy birth control choices either. I just say "I'm going to be using this now." And he says "Okay" because he trusts I know my body best.)
Now, you know I'm extremely pro-choice. I believe a choice whether or not to have a baby is between a mother, a father, and their doctor. No one else.
I feel for a father that wants a baby that a mother doesn't want, because it is still her body, and he can't (nor should he be able to) force a woman to carry to term an unwanted pregnancy. In the end, she wins.
But if a father doesn't want the baby, and a mother does, she wins again. It is her body and he can't force her to abort (nor should he be able to!!). But I also don't think it means he should have to parent (physically or financially) against his will. She wants to be a mom, great. But I think she has to accept that she is going to have to be a single mom, and accept all that that entails.
I know that I'm in the minority. Not even Superman agrees with me. But this is my opinion.
(Lucky for the women of the world that I'm not a child support judge!!)
So Sarah, what do you think? Do you agree with me? Disagree with me? Can you see any reasonable logic in my opinion?
Dear Amber,
First let me say I think you're nuts!
Here's why. If the legal father of her child does not pay child support or for medical coverage, guess who will??--we will. She will likely apply for benefits through the local Social Services office, ie Medicaid to cover medical costs, possibly TANF for financial support, as well as WIC and food stamps--in the long run this baby will cost Americans as a whole far more than it would cost for the legal father of her unborn child to step up to the plate. Just so you know, when a pregnant woman applies for benefits through Social Services, she is obligated to provide the name of the child's father so that the state can seek financial compensation for the benefits they will be providing the child, by way of child support enforcement. The state will be forced to establish paternity and will then make every effort to ensure child support payments are made to the child. If she cannot afford to provide for this child, and does not have other means of support, our tax dollars will serve as the father's payments. Big Booooo!!
Also, if this man did not want to father a child, should he not have worn a condom? He would then have taken responsibility for his tiny swimmers to ensure they stayed in the shallow end.--since he did not take these precautions he is responsible for the life his tiny swimmers have created.
I do not think he should be forced to participate in the act of parenting, although I think it would be a shame if he did not. He needs to pay child support. She should pay for her own medical costs or apply for Medicaid to cover any prenatal expenses. The child support he pays should not be determined by what he WANTS. Tough titty said the kitty. Regardless of his wants, his tiny swimmers wanted to meet her egg and thus have created life and life is not cheap.
I also disagree with you on the birth control issue. I think that should be a discussion between a woman and her partner. It's not that I don't think a woman has the right to control what happens to her body; however if you have decided to build a life with someone, both parties should be discussing birth control options and then discussing with a physician prior to making a decision. I wish Dik and I had talked more with my OB/GYN before the two of us decided that I would have a tubal ligation after having MLM. Regardless, Dik and I have made these birth control decisions together. Also, deciding the # of children to have should be agreed upon by both persons. Neither partner should have all encompassing power to make that decision.
When BTM was 3 we took a family vacation and spent a week sharing a cabin with our friends, The Hetricks. (Who I often refer to as 'my Hetrick babes.') The Hetricks had OFH 3 years old, CMH 1 year old, and announced to us they were pregnant with #3, later named SGH. Throughout the week, I had the pleasure of watching OFH and CMH play together and love on each other; the joy of their sibling relationship made my heart melt and my ovaries started to sing!!! The night the Hetricks left the cabin to head for home, we put BTM in bed a little early, as soon as I heard his little snore I broke down, crying like I'd lost a puppy. Dik was scared as I do not cry often. Then, through the tears and in between the sobs I exclaimed "We need another baby, BTM needs a sibling" At which point Dik went from scared to completely and thoroughly frightened. After hours of conversation, he agreed, reluctantly at first as we had decided together that one child would be enough for our family. A month later I had my IUD removed, two weeks after that I was pregnant with MLM. Throughout my pregnancy Dik was in a bit of denial and was not sure how another child would fit into our family. However, MLM was born and changed her daddy's mind. He may not have "wanted" another pregnancy, but once she was born he definitely "needed" a # 2.
Every relationship relies on honesty, flexibility, and the desire to please your partner on multiple levels. Sometimes you have to give more than you thought you could and other times you receive more than you ever thought you needed. Dik knew I wanted another baby and Dik loves me. With much encouragement and discussion, along with MLM's bright blue eyes and spunky nature Dik is now thankful for my singing ovaries and our vacation to "the cabin." Couples need to make these decisions together, however accidents happen and unplanned pregnancies are a reality. In this situation, I believe that couple should suck it up, do things the old fashioned way....get married...raise a family and make your marriage work.
I hope the father of this child opens his wallet and his heart and receives this child with love and excitement!
Dear Sarah,
I knew you wouldn't agree. I rarely meet a person who does. But I maintain my opinion. Certainly I feel there are exceptions, but overall, if I were the law, I would not hold these men accountable for children they didn't want in the first place.
The feminist in me says: You want to be a single mother? Great! Be a single mother! You don't need a man to take care of you and your baby! Take care of yourself! And if you can't...don't have a baby! Wait until you meet a partner who wants to have a baby with you.
Let me clear up a few things about this particular situation:
#1 This woman can't not afford being a mom. She is upper middle class. She will not go on food stamps. She doesn't have medicare/govt heath help because she does not qualify (makes too much money). For example, she bought the man flying lessons as a Christmas present (mentioned in her blog). What she wants is to have her cake and eat it too. She wants to have this baby, but have this man supplement the costs so that she can maintain her current lifestyle.
#2 They were not a committed couple. She clearly states that they had only known one another 2.5 months when she found out she was pregnant. Do some people meet and have *oops* pregnancies and stay together, even maybe sucking it up and get married, and it works out? Yes, it happens. But more often than not, those relationships and marriages do not last.
#3 Yes, I agree men should wear condoms as a safety net. But overall I believe a woman is ultimately responsible for the health of her own body, and that includes protecting it from pregnancy. I might have more sympathy for her if it was a case of failed birth control, but she freely admits it was unprotected sex. Yes, my boys are a result of unprotected sex, but we had a que sera sera attitude about pregnancy at that point. We'd been together 5 years and were 3 months away from being married and trying to get pregnant. You don't have que sera sera sex with a guy you've been dating 2.5 months, oh, that is unless maybe you secretly and/or subconsciously hope you might get pregnant.
Maybe part of the issue is that I'm cynical about these situations, because I have seen way too many *oops* pregnancies that seemed to be perfectly designed to trap a guy. This woman's whole blog post to me reeks of a woman who saw her opportunity at a prize man, and she thought getting pregnant with his kid would be her golden ticket. Now she's mad that he isn't too keen on her plan. This is mostly due to her over and over again telling him to *pay up* even though she's not even had the baby yet (just barely into her 2nd trimester).
It infuriates me that there are women out there (and I know a few) that use pregnancy (a child!) for controlling and manipulating men. #1 It's not fair to the child, who will most likely grow up without a father and/or a father who resents them. #2 It's not fair to a father to be manipulated that way. And #3 if gives every other woman a bad name. And makes people suspicious of those women who truly experience true *oops* pregnancies.
But we shall agree to disagree. :) It's bound to happen now and again.
Are you ready for the blog to blow up? It's about to get real. I'm about to admit something that might make you (and a lot of other people) hate me! (That's if other people actually read our blog.)
I follow a blog called Get off My Internets where the author basically makes fun of popular bloggers. I won't go into here why I started following him or what I think about his blog. That is a whole nother blog.
But I want to discuss a recent post he did about a popular blogger (who I had never heard of) who recently found herself pregnant with an older man who she had only been dating 2.5 months. She is using twitter and her blog to call him out for not wanting to parent this child. Actually, he wanted her to get an abortion.
She wants this baby (fast forward from when she found out, she is now 13 weeks pregnant and officially in her 2nd trimester) and is livid that he won't "pay up". She doesn't have health insurance, so she wants him to pay her medical costs during the pregnancy (apparently he is a hot shot something or other and makes a "6-figure salary") and is already making threats to drag him to court for child support when the baby is born in 27 weeks.
Okay, here is where people are going to start throwing tomatoes.
Sarah, I do not think that a man should have to pay financial support for a child he clearly stated he didn't want.
Okay, stop booing, and hear me out.
If a man and a woman agree to have a baby, and then the man splits, I do think he owes financial support, because they made a choice together to have a baby. She went into it thinking she would have a partner.
But when the women hide the pregnancies or choose to continue a pregnancy after the men say they do not care to be the father, I feel those women should be solely responsible for being the parent. She CHOSE to have a baby. She CHOSE to be a single mom. She should put on her big girl panties and deal with her choices. She knew he didn't want the child, but she had it anyway.
Oh, I've heard the dissenters: He CHOSE to lay in bed with her. It takes two to tango! He knew what could happen.
But Sarah, c'mon, what man is in charge of my reproduction? Okay, I know Mitt Romeny wants to be in charge of it, but currently it is still legal in the United States for women to use any birth control they choose. WE are in charge of protecting ourselves. Only WE know our bodies. WE know when we are ovulating.
For instance. You know Thing 1 and Thing 2 were unofficially unplanned. After Superman and I got engaged, I went off the pill (in preparation to begin "trying" after the wedding). We were using the "rhythm method." And I ended up pregnant because, as he likes to joke, "Amber can't count to 28." I had miscalculated my ovulation by just a few days and Wham! pregnant with twins! (Give me a break, I'd been on the pill for 10 years!) Superman knew nothing about my menstrual cycle. He depended on me to make sure we used condoms during the right days. I miscalculated and ended up 3 months prematurely pregnant.
So people can shout "he knew what he was doing" all day long, but I would argue that most men just count on women to know their own bodies and own birth control methods well enough to prevent unplanned pregnancies. (BTW Superman has had no say in my post-pregnancy birth control choices either. I just say "I'm going to be using this now." And he says "Okay" because he trusts I know my body best.)
Now, you know I'm extremely pro-choice. I believe a choice whether or not to have a baby is between a mother, a father, and their doctor. No one else.
I feel for a father that wants a baby that a mother doesn't want, because it is still her body, and he can't (nor should he be able to) force a woman to carry to term an unwanted pregnancy. In the end, she wins.
But if a father doesn't want the baby, and a mother does, she wins again. It is her body and he can't force her to abort (nor should he be able to!!). But I also don't think it means he should have to parent (physically or financially) against his will. She wants to be a mom, great. But I think she has to accept that she is going to have to be a single mom, and accept all that that entails.
I know that I'm in the minority. Not even Superman agrees with me. But this is my opinion.
(Lucky for the women of the world that I'm not a child support judge!!)
So Sarah, what do you think? Do you agree with me? Disagree with me? Can you see any reasonable logic in my opinion?
Dear Amber,
First let me say I think you're nuts!
Here's why. If the legal father of her child does not pay child support or for medical coverage, guess who will??--we will. She will likely apply for benefits through the local Social Services office, ie Medicaid to cover medical costs, possibly TANF for financial support, as well as WIC and food stamps--in the long run this baby will cost Americans as a whole far more than it would cost for the legal father of her unborn child to step up to the plate. Just so you know, when a pregnant woman applies for benefits through Social Services, she is obligated to provide the name of the child's father so that the state can seek financial compensation for the benefits they will be providing the child, by way of child support enforcement. The state will be forced to establish paternity and will then make every effort to ensure child support payments are made to the child. If she cannot afford to provide for this child, and does not have other means of support, our tax dollars will serve as the father's payments. Big Booooo!!
Also, if this man did not want to father a child, should he not have worn a condom? He would then have taken responsibility for his tiny swimmers to ensure they stayed in the shallow end.--since he did not take these precautions he is responsible for the life his tiny swimmers have created.
I do not think he should be forced to participate in the act of parenting, although I think it would be a shame if he did not. He needs to pay child support. She should pay for her own medical costs or apply for Medicaid to cover any prenatal expenses. The child support he pays should not be determined by what he WANTS. Tough titty said the kitty. Regardless of his wants, his tiny swimmers wanted to meet her egg and thus have created life and life is not cheap.
I also disagree with you on the birth control issue. I think that should be a discussion between a woman and her partner. It's not that I don't think a woman has the right to control what happens to her body; however if you have decided to build a life with someone, both parties should be discussing birth control options and then discussing with a physician prior to making a decision. I wish Dik and I had talked more with my OB/GYN before the two of us decided that I would have a tubal ligation after having MLM. Regardless, Dik and I have made these birth control decisions together. Also, deciding the # of children to have should be agreed upon by both persons. Neither partner should have all encompassing power to make that decision.
When BTM was 3 we took a family vacation and spent a week sharing a cabin with our friends, The Hetricks. (Who I often refer to as 'my Hetrick babes.') The Hetricks had OFH 3 years old, CMH 1 year old, and announced to us they were pregnant with #3, later named SGH. Throughout the week, I had the pleasure of watching OFH and CMH play together and love on each other; the joy of their sibling relationship made my heart melt and my ovaries started to sing!!! The night the Hetricks left the cabin to head for home, we put BTM in bed a little early, as soon as I heard his little snore I broke down, crying like I'd lost a puppy. Dik was scared as I do not cry often. Then, through the tears and in between the sobs I exclaimed "We need another baby, BTM needs a sibling" At which point Dik went from scared to completely and thoroughly frightened. After hours of conversation, he agreed, reluctantly at first as we had decided together that one child would be enough for our family. A month later I had my IUD removed, two weeks after that I was pregnant with MLM. Throughout my pregnancy Dik was in a bit of denial and was not sure how another child would fit into our family. However, MLM was born and changed her daddy's mind. He may not have "wanted" another pregnancy, but once she was born he definitely "needed" a # 2.
Every relationship relies on honesty, flexibility, and the desire to please your partner on multiple levels. Sometimes you have to give more than you thought you could and other times you receive more than you ever thought you needed. Dik knew I wanted another baby and Dik loves me. With much encouragement and discussion, along with MLM's bright blue eyes and spunky nature Dik is now thankful for my singing ovaries and our vacation to "the cabin." Couples need to make these decisions together, however accidents happen and unplanned pregnancies are a reality. In this situation, I believe that couple should suck it up, do things the old fashioned way....get married...raise a family and make your marriage work.
I hope the father of this child opens his wallet and his heart and receives this child with love and excitement!
Dear Sarah,
I knew you wouldn't agree. I rarely meet a person who does. But I maintain my opinion. Certainly I feel there are exceptions, but overall, if I were the law, I would not hold these men accountable for children they didn't want in the first place.
The feminist in me says: You want to be a single mother? Great! Be a single mother! You don't need a man to take care of you and your baby! Take care of yourself! And if you can't...don't have a baby! Wait until you meet a partner who wants to have a baby with you.
Let me clear up a few things about this particular situation:
#1 This woman can't not afford being a mom. She is upper middle class. She will not go on food stamps. She doesn't have medicare/govt heath help because she does not qualify (makes too much money). For example, she bought the man flying lessons as a Christmas present (mentioned in her blog). What she wants is to have her cake and eat it too. She wants to have this baby, but have this man supplement the costs so that she can maintain her current lifestyle.
#2 They were not a committed couple. She clearly states that they had only known one another 2.5 months when she found out she was pregnant. Do some people meet and have *oops* pregnancies and stay together, even maybe sucking it up and get married, and it works out? Yes, it happens. But more often than not, those relationships and marriages do not last.
#3 Yes, I agree men should wear condoms as a safety net. But overall I believe a woman is ultimately responsible for the health of her own body, and that includes protecting it from pregnancy. I might have more sympathy for her if it was a case of failed birth control, but she freely admits it was unprotected sex. Yes, my boys are a result of unprotected sex, but we had a que sera sera attitude about pregnancy at that point. We'd been together 5 years and were 3 months away from being married and trying to get pregnant. You don't have que sera sera sex with a guy you've been dating 2.5 months, oh, that is unless maybe you secretly and/or subconsciously hope you might get pregnant.
Maybe part of the issue is that I'm cynical about these situations, because I have seen way too many *oops* pregnancies that seemed to be perfectly designed to trap a guy. This woman's whole blog post to me reeks of a woman who saw her opportunity at a prize man, and she thought getting pregnant with his kid would be her golden ticket. Now she's mad that he isn't too keen on her plan. This is mostly due to her over and over again telling him to *pay up* even though she's not even had the baby yet (just barely into her 2nd trimester).
It infuriates me that there are women out there (and I know a few) that use pregnancy (a child!) for controlling and manipulating men. #1 It's not fair to the child, who will most likely grow up without a father and/or a father who resents them. #2 It's not fair to a father to be manipulated that way. And #3 if gives every other woman a bad name. And makes people suspicious of those women who truly experience true *oops* pregnancies.
But we shall agree to disagree. :) It's bound to happen now and again.
Amber,
Point taken, will continue to disagree. However, this woman ought to be ashamed that she couldn't resolve these issues with her boyfriend without dragging it all out in public--that's just gross. Besides...Life is not fair! So what if the woman wins when it comes to making babies?
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Stick it to me
Dear Amber,
There are 2 bumper stickers on the rear of my Nissan Versa; they are both round, they are the same size, placed parallel to one another and are placed strategically on the hatchback. Bumper sticker #1 represents my love of the Pittsburgh Penguins. Bumper sticker #2 is made by Life is Good and reads "Life is good, enjoy the ride," it also has a colorful cartoon drawing of a cyclist. That is plenty for me.
I do not understand a person's desire to wear their political, religious, or environmental beliefs on the exterior of their vehicle.
Amber, how much personal information should we be revealing in the form of bumper stickers? Like the stick figure family bumper stickers, they are adorable, but does the whole world need to know your family size and demographic, likes and dislikes just because they can see the rear of your vehicle?
Dear Sarah,
I mostly agree with you here. My husband, Superman, is especially annoyed by the stick figure family bumper stickers. ESPECIALLY when they have the childrens' names with the stickers. He says they are like an abductor's dream come true "Hey, this is my kids' name! Come and lure him away!"
We do have a few stickers. A VB sticker (hometown represent!), a Cincinnati Red's sticker, a Cardinal's World Series champ stickers (yes, we are a household divided when it comes to baseball), and a sticker from one of Superman's favorite places in the world: Ace Adventure Resort. But all of these stickers are on the glass, because they are removable that way. I would never put a bumper sticker on my actual bumper, or god forbid, the paint!
And I would never ever put on political stickers. And here is why... When I find out someone is a Republican, it makes me like them a little bit less. Sorry, I know that is terrible to say, but it's true. (And what is this blog if not us being candid.) And I reason that if learning someone is Republican makes me like them less, I reckon that learning I'm a Democrat might make me less favorable to some people. So, I keep those personal opinions to myself and choose not to display them on my car or in my front yard.
But in the age of social networking and constant digital media, we are a society that as a whole loves to put all of our stuff out there. Our thoughts, opinions, family dynamics...we think that people really care if we love our schnauzer. Or if they don't care, that they should because schnauzers are the best ever! We share every thought we have on facebook, or twitter, or our blogs on blogger.com! Why shouldn't we share out thoughts on abortion and gun control on our bumpers for the whole highway to see?
Is it conceit? Delusion?
With all of that being said... I love reading funny bumper stickers. Especially ones that parody other cliche bumper stickers, like: "My other car is a broom." "If you can read this, I'm not impressed. Most people can read." "I'm only speeding because I have to poo." "I bet Jesus would have used his turn signals." And my favorites:
Now, I don't actually put these bumper stickers on my car, but I do enjoy reading them on other people's.
Plus, those bumper sticker designers and manufacturers have to feed their stick figure children too!
Friday, March 2, 2012
Teacher Leaves Family for Student
**UPDATE**
Mr. Hooker has now been arrested for oral copulation with another student!! Uhoh! Mr. Hooker and young Ms. Powers are no longer a couple. It seems that Mr. Hooker was just on the lookout for a willing participant...took him a while to find one, but eventually....he found Ms. Powers. I hope that Ms. Powers can heal from this and try to get back some of her precious childhood.
What the what?
A 41 year old teacher quits his job and moves into an apartment with his 18 year old student.
Okay, let me start by saying that I've always liked the older guys. I'd say a good 75% of my boyfriends were at least a year older than me.
- When I was 17, a high school senior, I started dating a 22 year old college guy with whom I worked at a movie theater.
- When I was 18, I started dating a 23 year old Navy guy who was a mutual acquaintance of a friend.
- When I was 20, I started dating a 29 year old unconventional college student that my best friends jokingly called "grandpa Tony".
- When I was 21, I dated a former SEAL turned college student who was 26.
- After graduating college, when I was 22, I blew my parents mind when I started dating a co-worker who was 41, divorced, and had a pre-teen son.
- When I was 23, I met my now husband, who was 33 at the time.
But, here is a main difference between my stories and this one.
- None of the men I dated were married. - This man was married with children when he started this relationship with this 18 year old.
- None of them were my teacher. - They were my classmates, peers, or colleagues. They were not authority figures (like a teacher is).
This man, this teacher, was in a position of authority over this young girl. And regardless of whatever school-aged crush she may or may not have already had on him, he should have been the responsible adult and rebuked her advances.
When I was teaching middle school ESL, many of my students were older than typical 8th graders. One 15 year old constantly flattered me with compliments. He'd tell me I was pretty, that I smelled like strawberries (don't know why...), always complimented my clothes, my hair, my eyes. He would try to sit way too inappropriately close so he could smell me. He wrote me poems.
I was 26. Single (my now husband and I were "on a break"). And incredibly flattered. Do you know what I did?
- I took him aside privately and told him that it was incredibly inappropriate and asked him to stop.
- I went to the Assistant Principal's office and let her know what was going on. (This was just a few years after the Mary Kay Letourneau and Vili Fualaau scandal, and I was leaving nothing to chance! I wanted the administration to be involved in my handling of the situation, so it could never come back to hurt me.)
The thing is...she is 18, so if he was attracted to her and she was pursuing him, and he did want to pursue a May-December relationship with her, he could have...AFTER she graduated. As it is, she was his student (she is still in school presumably) and that isere it crosses the line to me.
I won't even address the was he/wasn't he pursuing her before she turned 18. Because honestly, I do see the arbitrariness of the age of consent thing. Heck, according to age of consent laws, nearly all of my boyfriends from age 16/17 on should have gone to jail. But I would never say I was a poor preyed upon minor being taken advantage of by 18/19 year old boys. I feel these things aren't black and white, rather shades of gray. Often a 22 year old "man" is no more mature than a 17 year old teenager, so I'd hesitate to punish someone legally for that relationship. But a 41 year old teacher and his underaged student (supposedly the inappropriate texts and phone calls started when she was a 14 year old freshman), yea that has a neon sign flashing "illegal" to me.
What do you think Sarah?
Dear Amber,
The other angle that I take issue with are the teacher's co-workers. Teachers, other school staff, nurses, and doctors and others in a helping profession are "mandated reporters." Therefore they are responsible for the well being of every student and to report any suspected abuse of a student; unfortunately this relationship does not qualify as "abuse."
I don't believe for one second that others at the school did not have reasonable suspicion to allege there was an inappropriate relationship between this student and teacher. Most teenage girls like to brag and boast about their boyfriends and as a culture we are all sucked into gossip. All too often we take an "it's not my business," attitude when it comes to other people's children.
(Tangent alert!)
This is best exemplified in the book "A Child Called it." In his book, Dave Pelzer painstakingly describes the abuse he received at the hands of his mentally ill mother and how all the obvious signs of abuse are ignored by neighbors, family friends, and school professionals. Dave's story is one of the worst child abuse cases in the history of the State of California. If you have not read this book, get it, read it!!!!!!! No it's not uplifting, but it is powerful.
I feel it is time for our Mandated Reporter laws to include Statuatory Rape and more specifically any suspected inappropriate relationship between a student and a teacher, through high school graduation. Currently most Mandated Reporter laws do not include Statuatory Rape because it is not defined as "child abuse."
The biggest issue I have with this whole situation is the fact that this man has left his wife and 3 children! He quit his job, so does that mean he no longer has the income to support his children? Do they no longer have health insurance because he no longer has a job? He is not likely to find another teaching job in California, will he move to another state to find employment? That would mean his 3 children would live without a father who is present and involved.
I'm so sick of the "follow your heart" crap..."We're just following our hearts." that's stupid. This man should've followed his head! Clearly, he made the decision to "follow his heart" when he married his wife. I understand that sometimes it is difficult to continue loving the person you "decided" to love so long ago, but you did just that.
I am in no way suggesting people should never divorce, since I've been there once myself. However, you decided you were going to love this person, and sometimes you might actually have to resist temptation and remind yourself that you made an incredibly important decision. Temptations are prevalent, so let's try to exercise our "resistance muscles." Following your heart and making decisions solely based on emotion are not a firm basis for a long term relationship. Of course you need to "feel" affection for your significant other, but sometimes you need to DECIDE to love someone. Together you can have fun finding ways to make the decision to love each other over and over and over again.
If you're a teacher and are interested in learning ways to prevent these student-teacher romantic relationships you can check out this article from the California Teachers Association http://www.cta.org/Member-Services/New-Member-Center/You-Can-Not-Be-Too-Careful.aspx
Amber you may have a "thing" for older men, I do not. I like mine younger, just a year or two though. I do however have a thing for "Elder" men. : )
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