What's in a name?

Dear Amber,


In the age of political correctness, the way in which our society labels people and groups of people has become muted, bland, and overly cautious.  We no longer refer to homosexuals by nasty slurs, African Americans are no longer referred to as "coloreds," fat people are called obese, those who were once called mentally retarded are referred to as "special needs."  However, there is one group of people who does not receive the respect, admiration, and gratitude that is often afforded to others. Our elders, those we still refer to as "old folks."


When we hear the word "old," more often than not we think of someone like this:

Someone we refer to as "old" is described as no longer having a purpose, is too slow, lonely and bored with little to offer the world.

Over the next couple of generations Americans need to change the way we treat our elders.  The best way I can think of to begin this change is to start by changing the name in which we refer to them.  I have taught BTM and MLM not to refer to people over the age of 65 as "old folks" but to instead call them "elders."  This is also part of the Eden Alternative; The Eden Alternative is seeking to remake the experience of aging around the world.

An elder is defined as an influential member of a tribe or community, often a chief or ruler; a superior.  An elder is someone that other's go to for guidance, support,  mentorship, share stories and experiences, to learn family traditions and pass on favorite recipes.
*to learn more about the Eden Alternative, check out http://www.edenalt.org/*

Amber, we have a unique challenge, to raise our children to be respectful and supportive.  How can we teach our children the importance of the elders in our community?

Dear Sarah,

I prefer to call them ol' fogies.

I kid, I kid.  Sorry, I know you work with the elderly, and they are near and dear to your heart, but I just couldn't resist.  :)

I actually love old people, excuse me, the elderly.  Especially little old elderly men.  Maybe it's because my maternal grandfather passed away when I was 6 months old and my paternal grandfather passed away when i was 2 years old.  I feel like I've always been seeking out the grandfather I never really had.

I love little old elderly ladies too.  Especially those purple hat ladies!  They are feisty and fun!  I look forward to being a purple hat one day!

But I know the problem you are talking about doesn't stem from people liking or not liking our older generation.  It comes from whether we view them as a nuisance, or a novelty, or what they should be viewed as...a treasured resource.

Many people see old people our elders as being antiquated and stuck in their ways.  What could we possibly have to learn from them today?  Life is so different now than when they were in their prime...they used rotary phones and records and typewriters for god's sake!

I'm lucky that I've known so many wonderful progressive older people.  Like the 80-some year old man at our church who is the hard core environmentalist. Or my 70-something widowed neighbor that is a die-hard liberal and regales me of her Match.com dating stories.  ("Amber, the man showed up in suspenders?!  I'm not dating someone who wears suspenders!")  Or my dad who just got his Masters degree at 60+ years old and is now working on his doctorate in Instructional Technology.  (60-something is elder too, right?)

And don't forget Margaret and Helen, the 80 year old women who have blown up the blogosphere blogging about politics, feminism, and their apple pie recipes. And who were my inspiration for our back-and-forth style blogging format.

Sarah, these are elders who have not only embraced change, but also bring in their wealth of knowledge and experience to enhance it!

Americans are particularly bad about "not respecting our elders" compared to many other cultures.  I don't know why it is.

But I promise you this Sarah, I call homosexuals "gays and lesbians", African Americans "black", fat people "fat people" (hey, I'm fat, so I can call us whatever I want), the mentally retarded "people with disabilities", and for now on, I will work on calling old folks "elders."

Amber,

My favorite part about working with elders is the stories they share of their life experiences.  Our elders are a living history.  Here are a few that are imprinted on my psyche.

--the woman who experienced the bombings at Pearl Harbor first hand.  Then hid in her home with a friend to avoid evacuation as they wanted to wait for their husbands to return before leaving the island.

--the devoted couple who both lived in internment camps in Poland as children during WWII, managed to survive, immigrate to the U.S., marry, have a happy family and a successful business.

--flip that coin and there's the man who served with Hitler as part of the German military throughout WWII.  Lived to tell his story and how his actions and of those who served alongside him continue to haunt him and have psychologically marred his children so much they feel the need to serve and repent for their father's actions.

-- the old man who drove a bus for MARTA for more than 30 years, he was incredibly proud that he'd never had an accident go on his driving record, which he bragged about at every opportunity.  After his death his daughter found a journal in his desk drawer for an incident where he ran his bus into a vehicle parked in a dark corner which held a young couple "necking."  To avoid having to report the incident, both parties agreed to keep it hush hush.

--the "young" elder who asked me why she already had wrinkles, according to her she was far too young to have wrinkles.  When I asked her age, she replied, I'm 94 damn it.  : )

--the once stay at home mom of five who worked her fingers to the bone raising a family and managing a house.  Even in her 90's she stays awake until after midnight cleaning, doing laundry, preparing for what is to come tomorrow.  She says it's all she's ever known, and 5 to 6 hours of sleep is enough.--always the caregiver.

--the sassy 108 year old who recently told me to let my hair grow out that I looked like a boy with short hair.  Or the 89 year old who reminds me once in a while that it's ok if I skip dessert and that my pants would thank me. 

--Elmer, my all time favorite elder.  He lived in the memory care unit (dementia unit) of a CCRC I worked at in Seattle.  I've never met a kinder, gentler, more loving soul.  Incredibly successful, had more money than I could ever imagine, he loved his wife with a kind of fervor rarely seen anymore.  He and his wife were never able to have children, he was an only child.  In the last years of his life he had no family, a few amazing close friends, and this social worker who cherished every moment.  He told me the same stories time and time again and I never tired of them.  I'd heard from staff that he could be short tempered and aggressive sometimes, a side of him I never witnessed and chose to pretend did not exist.  I could listen to Elmer tell stories all day long. 

Ok, I better stop now, I could go on and on.

From one fat chick to another.

A thin ROYGBIV line

Sarah,

Okay, a big thing right now in the crafting world is paint chip crafts. Just google it or search for some ideas on Pinterest, and you will be overwhelmed with ideas.

Is it just me, but there is something that just doesn't seem right about this...  A whole crafting movement built on walking into a hardware store and grabbing handfuls of paint chips (with no intention of ever buying the paint associated with them) and walking out.

It just kind of seems like...stealing.

Paint companies probably invest a lot of money in making these paint chips (designing them, printing them, shipping them, stocking them, etc).  And they stock them in the stores for their prospective customers to use. But then crafters are swooping in and taking advantage of this set up as an opportunity for free card stock.

I have no issue with someone taking paint chips they've collected in the painting process and turning them into something crafty, fun, and/or useful.  But to take paint chips for the purpose of crafting with them, just seems wrong to me. 

It reminds me of the time I was at work and found out the person in charge of shipping our textbooks was taking those Priority Mail Flat Rate shipping boxes from the local post office, and turning them inside out, then shipping the textbooks in the "new boxes" using FedEx.  I immediately told him that #1 that was stealing, since we weren't paying for the boxes.  And #2 it was going to reflect very poorly on our organization when our customers received their textbooks and saw what we were doing.  At worst they would recognize that we were stealing, and at best they'd just see us as unprofessional.  (Like receiving a package from a poor college kid who can't afford to buy a proper box.)  But he told me that this is what the assistant director told him to do.

I went straight to the assistant director and demanded this practice be stopped.  He couldn't understand my complaint!!  He saw nothing wrong with it!  Or did he?  Because the moment I mentioned taking it further up the chain of command, to University officials, he backed down and agreed to stop the practice immediately.

I'm sorry that our already very low budget department had to now budget for the additional expense of shipping boxes.  But, taking something that is "complimentary to customers for the intention of using our services" and taking something to commandeer and use solely for your own purposes just isn't right to me.  And this goes for business or personal use, to me.

What do you think, Sarah?

Amber,

I have to say that I am not in the least bit concerned about paint companies and the money they're investing in these paint chips.  However, it is disappointing that someone would think it morally acceptable to waltz into a hardware store and take as many as they wanted.  I don't think its stealing, but I definitely think its in poor taste.  Like going to a restaurant and stuffing your pockets with sugar or sweetener packets--bad call ol' chap. 

Your story about the USPS boxes however is bugging the heck out of me.  The USPS is already struggling.  They provide a service, deliver letters from one end of the US to the other, for a mere .49 cents.  Really people, just buy the boxes you need or put the word out that you're in need of boxes.  Retailers and consumers alike tend to have more boxes they could ever need.

Appalling

Mom gets seven years for infant's death

(from www.wavy.com)

HAMPTON, Va. (WAVY) - A Hampton woman will serve seven years in prison for killing her 11-month-old daughter.
Carliece Hamrick was found guilty of felony child abuse and murder in Dec. 2011.
According to a search warrant, Hamrick admitted to police she shook her daughter, Natalynn, as she put her in her car seat. The incident happened on January 29, 2011 in an office parking lot in the 2000 block of Cunningham Drive.
Police said the mother then drove to the child care provider and dropped her daughter off. Natalynn's child care provider called 911 after the girl became unresponsive.
The baby was taken to the hospital, where she later died.


7 years.....that's it?!  I don't get it.  It makes me ill.


Amber, any thoughts on the American penal system and how it's possible to kill a baby, your very own baby and only spend 7 years in prison?

Sarah,

How unbelievably sad.

Parenthood can be incredibly frustrating.  Especially when you add the additional stresses of working full time on top of it.

I know that I have been incredibly frustrated with my children, and have often done things that I never imagined in a million years that I would do when I'm calm.  Like spanking.

I'm anti-spanking (to me it is hypocritical to tell my child "don't solve your problems with violence and aggression," but then turn around and hit them when I'm angry), but I have at least 5 times lost my cool and spanked them.  I was angry or frustrated or overwhelmed and in those moments did not have the where-with-all to walk away and calm down to rationally deal with the issue.  I reacted, and did so badly, and in a way that I regretted.

Once was so frustrated with them goofing off in "time out" chairs that the thought crossed my mind to put them each in a closet for time out (they won't be laughing then!).  Then I realized "oh my god, that is probably what those people arrested for locking their children in closets thought!"  I felt so scared and ashamed at my mere thoughts.

Incidentally, none of these issues ever occurred in the first three years of Thing 1 and Thing 2's life.  What was special about those years?  Superman was a stay at home dad.  Which meant: I wasn't always rushing to get them dressed and get them out of the door in the morning while trying to be on time myself (heck, most mornings they were still in bed when I left).  Life just seemed so much less stressful and more organized back then.

Why do I bring all of this up?  Because while I don't know this particular woman and her particular story, I do know that often the baby shaking deaths are not about intentional abuse but rather momentary lapses in control.

Is 7 years in jail long enough for a deliberate and calculated murder of a child?  Absolutely not!  I'd sentence that person to life in jail without the possibility of parole, if it were up to me.

But if this was a mother that was just at her wit's end and lost control and made a terrible, terrible mistake that she will have to live with for the rest of her life, I suppose I actually sympathize with her a tiny bit.  If she truly did not mean to hurt her child, but was running late and trying to get an uncooperative almost-toddler to quit crying and/or squirming (who hasn't been there) and sit in the seat...and just snapped (I'm crying just thinking of the possible scenario)... That is different to me then being a neglectful and abusive parent and I suppose I feel they should be sentenced differently.

Of course I morn for Natalynn, because a loss of a child for whatever reason is tragic, but I just don't agree that the mother has to be in prison for the rest of her life to pay for an isolated mistake (if that is indeed what it was).  I'm pretty sure she'll be imprisoned by her own guilt for the rest of her life.

Amber,

I agree that Ms. Hamrick will likely be crippled with her own guilt for the remainder of her days, which she has earned.  As a mom I have been brought to my knees with frustration, however as, a mother it is my responsibility to keep my composure and to protect my children.  My world is a supportive one; I have a husband who is available to relieve me when I'm stressed, my mom is available to babysit BTM and MLM if we both need some "kid free" time.  Perhaps if Ms. Hamrick had a better support system little Natalynn would be safely in the arms of a close friend or family member.



Sarah,

You bring up a good point.  So many parents today do not have good support systems.  It's very sad for them and their children.  I feel very blessed and lucky to have the support systems I have.  I wonder what kind of mother I'd be without them?

Thank You Notes

Dear Amber,

I am a firm believer in "Thank Yous."  I have come to learn that when we are grateful we are happier.  It has been of great importance to me to teach BTM and MLM to send Thank You notes when they've received gifts or special treatment.  If, for some reason we don't send a Thank You, we try to call the person and thank them or send an email....but Thank You notes are my preferred method.  I know there have been times when I've forgotten to send a Thank You and believe me, I beat myself up enough about it that no one else needs to do so.  As a matter of course, if a wedding or baby gift or other gift is sent to you and I do not receive some kind of acknowledgement in receipt of the gifts, I am not likely to send you anything more and will remember forever that a Thank You was not sent.  It's holding a grudge over something small and I realize that, hell it is what it is.  Most recently, we forgot to send a Thank You to the Hetrick's for the package they sent us for Christmas.  A terrible thing, I know.  So, with the Birthday gifts we sent to Fifi I included a brief thank you, but it's likely not enough and I need to get my act together. 

If each of us took the time to write one thank you note a week, we'd be much happier people.  Send a Thank You to an old friend for being there for you, or to your child's teacher for their support, or to your in laws for producing a wonderful spouse for you to love, or to your mailman for delivering faithfully six days a week, or your favorite grocery store clerk, the options are endless.  Remember these notes are important and should be hand written and mailed (yes snail mailed) to the recipient.  Getting mail that is not a bill is a treat.

So, Amber.  Is the hand written Thank You note a thing of the past?  I sure hope not.

Dear Sarah,

I'm mostly with you on this.

I too worship at the church of Thank You Notes Are a Must.

I will say that I'm a bit evolved though, that I will accept an email or phone call thank you for most occasions.  For instance, Christmas presents from grandma and grandpa, thanking someone for sending you a thoughtful birthday card (yes, I always call or email someone to thank you for sending me a birthday card.  1st, they thought of me, 2nd they spent $ on a card, 3rd they spent .45 on a stamp...my thank you email was free!), etc.  But for birthday gifts, wedding gifts, shower gifts, etc., a hand written, mailed, thank you note is a must in our house.  (Hmm, I wonder why I feel for birthday gifts must have a hand written TUN, but for Christmas a phone call will do?  I'll have to think on that and maybe change my personal policy.)

Part of it for me is just common courtesy.  Most gifts I give are through the mail to my friends/family who live far away.  And if I send you a present or your child a card with some cash in it for their birthday, I want to know you RECEIVED it!  If a week goes by and I haven't heard from you, I start to stress that maybe that handmade present or that $10 bill got lost in the mail.  I don't want to call you to ask if you received it, because often I want it to be a surprise. And when it is not a surprise, I still don't want to ask, because it seems presumptuous of me to call and ask you if you got what I sent you, almost like I'm saying "I deserve special recognition and praise for what I did for you," when really all I'm saying is "I hope that baby quilt I spent 40 hours sewing didn't get lost in the mail."

But I will admit that there is that part of me that wants that special recognition and praise for what I did for you, too.  And if you never acknowledge my gift, I do feel as if my time, effort, and money weren't appreciated by you, and it will make me think twice about sending you something in the future. 

And correspondingly, people who quickly and appropriately express their gratitude and appreciation stay at the top of my list of people to do nice things for.

Maybe that is egotistical of me, but oh well, I'm only human.

Dear Sarah,

We finished the last of the homemade strawberry jam you sent us.  Good stuff doesn't last long in our household.

Luckily, no one but me has discovered the honey suckle jelly yet!!

Dear Amber,

I'm so happy you and your family enjoyed the jam I made!  The honey suckle jelly is special, not everyone likes it, but your secret's safe with me...I won't tell Superman and the boys about it.



Being put to death for being a Christian

Dear Sarah,

Have you heard about this case in Iran?  Youcef Nadarkhani will be put to death for converting to Christianity.

I generally think Christians in the U.S. are nit wits when they start yelling about how prosecuted they are in our country due to our laws on separation of church and state.  Mostly because I do not see Christians in this country as being persecuted in the least.

This last December GOP nominee-wannabe Rick Perry was crying “our kids can’t openly celebrate Christmas or pray in school.”  And while I can agree that political correctness can sometimes be taken ridiculously far, I disagree that #1 Christmas is not allowed in schools and #2 Americans can really claim persecution if they can't lead students in the lord's prayer every morning at school.  I mean, c'mon...this guy is being persecuted.  Being murdered for your religion is persecution.  Asking you not to impose  your beliefs on others, that is so far removed from persecution, they wouldn't even be at the same family reunion.

"No prayer in school" does not mean prayer in school is illegal (you will not get killed or sent to jail, or even detention for praying in school), it just means no organized prayer in school.  No mandated prayer in  school. No one (teacher, principal, coach, etc) can force anyone to pray, thereby also pressing their personal religious beliefs on a child. Your child.  Think about it...I have a colleague who is Muslim and is a social studies teacher at a local middle school. What do you think most Christians would do if SHE led a prayer in her class?! They'd freak the fuck out! Freak. The. FUCK. Out. They'd be picketing. Rioting. No, burning the freaking school down.

Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating.  A little.

But most Christians I know would be really upset about that. To say the least.

Every American public school, every morning during announcements (at least every school I've ever attended or taught at or visited for any other reason) observes a moment of silence. This is a moment (about a minute or so) set aside for both the students and staff to take a moment to relax, be calm, and reflect on their coming day. An opportunity for those who feel so inclined to say a prayer. And they can start it for themselves as "Dear God" "Our Heavenly Father" "My Creator" or "Dear Lord baby Jesus", or however else they personally feel compelled to pray. Because religion is, and should always be, a personal choice. A BELIEF if you will.

I attend and am a member of a Christian church. But occasionally, we attend other churches, most commonly my in-law's church. And even though both of our churches are Christian, I get uncomfortable during parts of their service and many of their prayers, because our churches just have such different interpretations of things. I often will block out what is being prayed and say my own, different, silent prayer in my head. One that fits my beliefs.

I can almost hear it now "well, children who believe differently or don't want to pray could do the same thing." But here is a huge difference: #1 I am choosing to be sitting in that church. No one forces me to go, not even my in-laws. Children do not have a choice to go to school. #2 I am a grown adult with formed beliefs, and those people in the pulpit of my in-laws church are not my role models or mentors or authority figures.  I can easily distinguish between what they tell me and what I personally believe.  Children are typically much more easily influenced than that.  And bottom line is, if my children are praying, I want them to pray prayers that are meaningful to them and their beliefs, not their teachers, or classmates, or some government official somewhere hundreds of miles from their classroom.

So what do you think Sarah?  Do you think American Christians are persecuted?  Do you feel we should have prayer written into the American curriculum?

Amber,

To answer your questions:

Do you think American Christians are persecuted?  --No, I do not

Do you feel we should have prayer written into the American curriculum?--Absolutely not, no freaking way!

American Christians are not persecuted, they may feel some back lash when they attempt to sermon or convert other Americans, but they are most certainly not persecuted perhaps pushed away and avoided.  Non Christian Americans are less likely to openly accept the teachings of a Christian American, perhaps much less than they were 30 years ago, maybe even 20 years ago.  I was raised by Atheists, we never went to church and were taught that people who feel the need to go to church are "weak and can't stand on their own two feet."  My beliefs are ambiguous at this time, I choose to believe in nothing aside from myself and my family.  At one point in my life I'd converted to Catholicism.  I did so because my ex husband is Catholic and by converting made it easier to get married in a Catholic church.  Well, we all know how that worked out.

I am vehemently against prayer in school!  Like you mentioned, the moment of silence can be used as a time for students to pray to themseves.  If parents want their children to have prayer in school, then they should send their children to a private-religious school.  Or, how about their family should pray together in their own home?  Dik and I already have enough difficulty answering questions about Jesus and religion when BTM comes home filled with curiousity.  Like I said, at this time our religious beliefs are ambiguous, we're not attending church, not praying. 
   
All we know is that we love each other and for now, that's enough.

A Bill becomes Law.....

Most of the time I pay little or no attention at all to politics, however this is bugging me.  Americans have been battling to have marijuana legalized for generations.  How much time and money need to be spent to convince our government that smoking maryjane is no more harmful than drinking a few beers at night.  In my experience, like that of many others, most pot smokers are much more mellow and easy going than angry drunks.  Perhaps it is the prescription drug companies manufacturing anti anxiety (anxiolytic) medications that don't want marijuana legalized?  If marijuana were to be legalized, I betcha many who are prescribed an as needed (PRN) anxiolytic would no longer need them if they could grow and smoke their own marijuana.  This would certainly take $$ from the pockets of drug manufacturers.  Such legalization may also decrease overall healthcare costs. 

I am not a pot smoker, however I am privy to the lives of folks who do.  Maybe if it were legal, and I were open to smoking it I would no longer need Zoloft?  Although, the appetite stimulant qualities of marijuana would certainly not work to my advantage. : )  

Doctors are currently entitled to prescribe Marinol (Drabinol);   Dronabinol is in a class of medications called cannabinoids, its active ingredient is THC. It works by affecting the area of the brain that controls nausea, vomiting, and appetite. The primary psychoactive compound of THC is Cannabis, that's right cannabis.  I'm sure you've heard of cannabis, AKA marijuana.  Now, tell me why is it ok for drug companies to take THC, turn it into a pharmaceutical, have doctors prescribe it, insurance companies and patients pay for it, and nurses administer it BUT it's not ok for a doctor to prescribe marijuana itself?  I am baffled.  Could it be that the drug companies won't make any money from marijuana?  I have a sneaky suspicion that it all comes down to money.  The pharmaceutical companies have tons of money, they hire lobbyists who swoon politicians who keep marijuana illegal.  It's all a scam, damn it!

Thank you for listening.
Yours truly,

Sarah,

I want pot to be legal, but not because of pain relief or anxiety, but because I like the buzzed, relaxing feeling of being high. You know, kind of like the same reason I enjoy drinking wine. After a long exhausting day, I often sit back on the couch with a glass of wine in my hand, and it's not because of the taste. (If I was going for taste, I'd drink a milk shake.)

I think it's been oh seven or eight years now since the last time I smoked.  But not because of a lack of desire.  I just couldn't risk getting caught when I was a public school teacher, and now I feel like I can't do illegal drugs in my house with my kids.

I think you are right that it definitely could be the pharmaceutical companies' lobbyist who keep marijuana illegal.  But I also don't doubt that it's just a bunch of old white people wanting to control the masses.  The "I know what is best for you person who has a job and supports your own family but I can't trust you to make good decisions for yourself" attitude of most Republicans lawmakers.

Smoking a joint every once in a while won't make people useless potheads.  Anymore than having the occasional glass of wine at night makes me an alcoholic.  Nor will it turn people to harder drugs, any more than liking wine makes me turn and chug down bottles of absinthe.

All the rhetoric is bullshit, Sarah.  Pure bullshit!

P.S. What is up with the spell check on this blog?

A picture is worth a thousand words

All of this talk of the new abortion laws in Virginia is making me very angry.  I'm way too raw to blog anything of sense about it right now...  so I'll leave you with this thought, Sarah.

This new abortion law is frightening.  I can't imagine how incredibly difficult it is to decide to abort a pregnancy, then add having to see the fetus on an ultrasound just before the procedure is torture, it is cruel.  For the life of me I cannot understand why people think it's their right to make this decision for anyone else.

Sarah,

I have endless, endless opinions on this subject.  But let me say this...women who are having abortions, for the most part, do not consider that blog on the screen a baby (otherwise they would most likely not be choosing to have an abortion), so the actual act of seeing the ultrasound isn't as traumatic as one might think.  (Think back to the first ultrasound you saw.  Remember trying so hard to see something meaningful?  Thing 1 and Thing 2 were at least 16 weeks gestation before I could find anything meaningful in my ultrasounds.  Before that they were just blobs to me.)  Likewise, I've had literally at least 30 transvaginal ultrasounds with my high risk pregnancy.  Never once did I feel raped or violated.

What is traumatic and violating is knowing that some old white law maker somewhere (not your doctor) is forcing you to have these procedures because they are judging your for your choice.  And that is all it is.  It is a power play.  They don't think you should be having an abortion, and that haven't been able to outlaw it (yet!) but they can stick it to you by making unnecessary procedures legally mandatory as a reminder to you that they are judging your choice.

(P.S. I'm betting this is not our last post on abortion, because I have miles to go before I sleep on this topic).

  

Amber,

Our experiences with pregnancy/ultrasounds has clearly been very different.  When I found out I was pregnant with for the second time, I went to the OB/GYN to confirm the pregnancy and have the OB measure for gestational age, which requires the aforementioned ultrasound.  At this first appointment, according to my menstrual cycle I was about 8 1/2 weeks pregnant.  But when the ultrasound was performed all that was there was an "empty sac."  No sign of that beloved blob.  I was completely heart broken, the doctor informed Dik and I that I needed to come back in two weeks and have another ultrasound to see if they need to do a D & C or if my body would "expel" the pregnancy on its own.  This news was crushing of course because I really wanted this pregnancy.

Two weeks passed by, agonizingly slow of course and I didn't tell anyone about the fact that there was likely no baby in that sac.  I should've relied on my friends and family for support, but instead I keep it to myself and swallowed those emotions right down.  To say that I was nervous about the second ultrasound would be an understatement, I was terrified.

The doctor and the ultrasound technician came into the room once I changed into the little paper skirt to begin the ultrasound.  After lubricating this monstrosity, I think they called it a "wand." The wand was inserted into my lady parts, a few breaths later the doctor let out a big sigh.  I immediately turned to look at his face but on the way I stopped at the face of the ultrasound tech who had watery eyes and an awkward smile in my direction.  I was momentarily confused with my heart in my throat.  The ultrasound tech then turned up the sound and I heard that awe inspiring, tear producing, thump, thump, thump of a rapid baby heart beat.  A rush of relief washed over me, I finally made it to the doctor's face and he too was smiling.  At this point, the talk changed from miscarriage vs. D & C to let's measure this little bean and see how far along we are in this pregnancy.

The following May 26th, MLM was born. :)

The early ultrasound may not mean much to some, but to see that little shrimp on the screen and hear a heart beat meant that our little bean was going to be ok.   

Sarah,

I'm so sorry you went through that.  But I'm happy everything turned out okay.

I don't want you to think my ultrasounds weren't meaningful to me.  My doctor sent me for an ultrasound to determine gestational age as well (my pregnancy was not quite planned as you know...) and I was very nervous and excited.

Much of that appointment is a blur to me, since I was by myself (Superman had a test, and I assured him that he'd get to see plenty of ultrasounds in the future) and was finding out that my premature pregnancy was now a DOUBLE not-quite-expected blessing.  But I do remember three things:

1. Seeing the screen and thinking "that's not like the images I saw on google." 

2. The technician asking "So, do twins run in your family?" 

And 3. not really "seeing" what she was pointing out on the screen. 

Did you ever watch Friends?  Did you see the episode where Rachel "faked" her ultrasound?  She oohed and aahed for the doctor, but then cried to Ross because she didn't see anything except for black and white static and a little blob on the screen.  That was me.  I was 7 1/2 weeks pregnancy, but I didn't see babies.  I saw blobs.  But, because I wanted those blobs to grow into healthy babies, I fell in love with them anyway.  Starting that week, I had an ultrasound every two weeks (until I started having complications, then they got more frequent).  And as the babies grew, they did grow into what looked like babies to me.  But, at 7 1/2 weeks, I didn't fall in love with the blobs on the screen, I feel in love with the babies in my heart and mind. The promise of what I wanted those blobs to grow in to.

If I hadn't wanted to become a mother just yet though (hadn't finished school, didn't have a good job, a reliable partner, etc), I most likely wouldn't have had those same feelings about those blobs.  I think it all boils down to when you think a "blob" becomes a baby.  For many people, it is conception.  And those people probably wouldn't see "blobs", but I submit they also wouldn't be the people seeking an abortion.

Stairway to laziness (mini post)

 My number one pet peeve is when people stand on escalators.  Really people, pretend they're stairs and walk.  If you wish to remain stationary, step to the right and allow others to pass.  Walking up the escalator can help you burn extra calories while strengthening your leg and butt muscles.   The intention of the escalator is not to give you a "ride" but to help you get there faster. 

*this is the first of what I like to call a mini post, brief but impactual*

Amber, any thoughts?

Sarah, I would like to offer my sincerest apologies.  I have been known to be a lazy escalator passenger.  If I'm in a rush, of course I climb.  But on a lazy day at the mall, for instance, I might just park and ride.  In fact, I'm pretty sure I did that at the local JC Penney just last weekend.  Whoops! 

(But, at least Thing 1 and Thing 2, Superman, and I were the only ones on it at the time.  So we weren't impeding anyone else's progress.)

But I rarely park and ride on a movable sidewalk, mostly because they usually put those in places where people are trying to beat feet (like an airport).  I'm rarely in a rush at the mall, but I'm almost always in a rush at the airport.

My biggest pet peeve: people misusing the reflexive object pronoun.  (Yep, I'm a language geek.)

If you're like me (Sarah) and want to learn what exactly what misuse of the reflexive object pronoun, follow this link.

What the internet has taught me...

You know, the internet is an amazing place, full of endless resources and vast information on just about any topic.  And opinions, woah doggie! Saying that opinions are plentiful would be a grave understatement, don't you agree, Sarah?

But Sarah, do you know what the internet has taught me more than anything else lately?  People hate your children.  And people hate people who dare to have children, and love them.

Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating, but since when did it become hip to hate on children?

Every time I turn around I see another article like this one: Restaurants: Take your crying kids outside.  Where a restaurant (a self described "family" pizza parlor) proudly boasts that they have added this note to their menu:

“Dear all present and future patrons: GCP is proud of its reputation as a family restaurant, a title that we will work to keep. Unfortunately a number of our diners have posted unpleasant experiences because of crying and unsupervised children. To ensure that all diners have an enjoyable lunch or dinner with us we respectfully ask that parents tend to their crying tots outside.”

Sarah, this isn't a 5 star, or even a 3 star, restaurant.  This is a pizza parlor!  I don't know about you and Dik, but there are very few places Superman and I take our 4 year olds out to eat.  Fast food.  And restaurants that have a minimum of 20 tvs (not because of the tvs themselves, but because we know these restaurants are loud already, so no one will notice if one of our kids starts yelling inappropriately).  And pizza parlors.

Mostly we try to avoid eating out, because it is expensive, and more often more of a hassle than a relaxing dining experience, but I'll tell you why we, as parents of two 4 year olds, still dare to bring out hellions out to dine in public:  #1 Sometimes you can't avoid it (for instance, when you are traveling).  #2 Sometimes you are craving something (Superman likes my hot wings, but they can never compare to BWW).  #3 How will they ever learn to behave in a restaurant if you never take them to one?

So, while more often than not we find ourselves eating out at whichever nearby fast food joint has an indoor playground, we do occasionally venture over to other eating establishments.  At 4, overall I feel like our kids will sit and eat their dinners.  But I will admit they drop things more than an adult, talk a bit louder (we are working on acceptable dining volumes), and have the occasional break down.  So what does that mean?  Should we ONLY eat fast food if our kid can't behave 100% like a mannered adult?  (You might want to address this issue in your pledge against childhood obesity Mrs. Obama!)

Kids are freaking kids, Sarah.  Sure, they are rowdier than adults.  They have shorter attention spans than adults.  They don't understand the point of manners and etiquette (rules made by adults) like adults do.  But they aren't adults!!

Do I think some parents let their kids run around like hooligans?  Of course that happens sometimes.  But more often than not, I just see kids being kids.  And all of this "kids should be seen and not heard" attitude about not allowing boisterous voices in the dining room of "family friendly" restaurants is really ticking me off!

But, it's not just children who are under attack.  It's parents too.  I recently started following a blog called STFUparents (Shut the Fuck Up) that is basically written by a childless person about how annoyed they are about the parents that use social networking tools (like Facebook) to overshare and brag about their kids.  Their tagline is "You used to be fun.  Now you have a baby."  Some of the first blogs I saw I thought were hilarious, Mom's Gold Stars are really funny and Mommyjackings should be a public service announcement for how not to post on Facebook.  But some of their deemed overshares to me are just shares.  And I'm a bit offended that the insinuation is that all breeders are no longer any fun.

Here is an email I sent to the blog author.  Do you agree?  Disagree?  Am I being too sensitive because I am one of those dirty breeders that people keep complaining about?

Just my opinion:
I recently stumbled on your site, and while over all I think it's funny, I have to say I find your definition of "over-share" way too broad.  Pictures of babies crowning...overshare.  Pictures of kids' poops...overshare.  Telling the FB world that you are proud your baby went 24 hrs in big girl pants with no accidents or that your oldest just lost their first tooth...I don't classify that as an overshare.  In fact, that is the kind of thing I like to hear about my friends' kids. Those are big accomplishments in their children's lives, and parents are dang proud of them.  Are they vain?  Sure, but what the hell is facebook if not a site full of people talking about themselves, as if anybody else cares? While I love most of your gold stars, I don't think the only appropriate way to post about parenting/children is to be funny or deprecating. Sometimes you just want to share something your kid did with people who care about you/them and might like to know, and you don't care or have the energy to try and be funny. For instance, I live 800 miles away from my hometown, where my parents, siblings, and all my best friends still live.  The main way I keep up with my parents and my friends' kids and they keep up with mine is through posts and pictures on Facebook.  I could really care less about anyone else on FB.  If that guy from my 9th grade biology class doesn't care to read any posts about my kids or see pics of my kids...he should feel free to de-friend me.  Period.

Mommyjacking is the worst though.  I am a parent and get annoyed when people mommy-jack comments.  I hope I've never done it!

And mompetition (moms telling other moms how they should do stuff, criticizing, passive aggressive comments, etc) is the most annoying. I've actually deleted a few know-it-alls because of this.

I will say this, after reading a ton of entries on your site, I went back and read over my timeline over the past few weeks.  And I did breathe a sigh of relief that only about 20% of my posts reference my children. :)  But I will admit that 4 years ago, when my boys were infants, I bet it was closer to 50%.  What can I say, our FB pages reflect our lives and what we are thinking about, and most new parents think about their babies as often as 14 year old boys think about sex.  So, please, give parents a break and don't categorize every little inane child-related post as STFU worthy.  Because there are plenty of people on their friends list that WANT to hear those status updates ("I'm so proud little Bobby slept in his toddler bed all night last night") and see those pics (not of private parts or poops, but def. of kids covered in spaghetti and missing front teeth :), even if the kidless people on our lists don't really care.  Heck, I don't care that that chick from grad school is eating "the best cupcake ever from the cupcake shop" or that that guy from elementary school just got a new tattoo.  But, that is the stuff they apparently care about, so who am I to judge?

And P.S. my boys are 4.5 yo, so before they were born I was still on MySpace not FB, but even then when I was single and childless, I didn't mind the inane posts about the kids/parenting.  The overshares will always be annoying, but just sharing wasn't.

Just my two cents!

Amber


More judgment  on the deemed over-sharing by parents was evident in the recent Onion article Smug New Mom Going to Start a Blog.  Just another dig.

And Sarah, don't get me started on the CBC community.  That is the Childless by Choice community, if you didn't know.  They have whole websites set up to complain about breeders and how our choices to multiply have affected their lives.

Don't get me wrong, I fully support a person's choice to not have kids.  In fact, I'm thankful to those people for doing their part to counterbalance the mass-breeders out there having 4, 5, 6, and more kids.  And truth be told, Sarah, there are plenty of parents out there that I wish had made the choice to not have kids, because once they had them, they didn't seem to want to parent or take care of them.  But when the CBCs start their smear campaigns about us breeders and all of our minivans and strollers, I just want to ask them if don't they realize that if some of us didn't choose to have kids that the world would run out of people in about 100 years?  Sure, I hate over population as much as the next guy, but we need some population to keep the species going, Sarah.

What do you think Sarah?  Is it just me?  Or do you feel like the world is unnecessarily hating our parents and our minions too?

Well Amber my dear, I have chosen not to be a part of a lot of social networking because "people are haters."   Also because I don't want to hear every negative detail in everyone's life.  I enjoy reading the "good stuff," and accomplishments however big or small.  BUT I do not like facebookers who use fb as a forum for their bitching.  If your life is really THAT bad, then do something about it and hush.


I hadn't really noticed the community of people who pride themselves on not liking children or proud parents.  However, now that I'm aware I may notice it more often.  However, I offer my opinion on the topic of none the less.   


 "I Hate Other People's Kids" is a book I was introduced to by my brother in law, BLM several years ago, and it is indeed pretty funny.  I have to say that I love love love my own children, I even like them almost all of the time and I love my nieces and nephews, but apart from that, there aren't many "other people's kids" that I actually like.  Matter of fact, there are probably about 10 "other people's kids" that I think are adorable, smart, funny, and all of that jazz.


My issue with people without children complaining about kids in public places is that, most often there is an adult in the restaurant acting much more annoying than my kids.  ie...the man at the end of the hibachi table who thinks he's funnier than he actually is, or his date who won't stop laughing at his obnoxious behavior..or the group of young folk who've had a bit too much to drink and won't stop yapping, or the people who eat loudly, or can't hardly breath when they eat...thus, they breath loudly.   So, no I will not keep my kids out of your favorite restaurant just because you are annoyed.  I will not be pushed into a corner where McDonald's is my only viable option.  Our little family of four eats out ONCE a month and if my 2 1/2 year old decides to throw a fit, rest assured it will be handled the best way we know how and if that doesn't work, block it out; use mental imagery and picture yourself in a more serene environment.  Perhaps you could take responsibility for your own dining experience: go to dinner after 7pm, you're much less likely to have children amongst you as most of us like to have our children in bed around 8pm, eat at a bar, kids can't go to bars, go to a more expensive restaurant-those of us with kids aren't about to shell out $20 or more for an entree that our 6 year old will push around on his plate and complain about anyway...most likely your best solution is to order in...there you are guaranteed to have no children within an ear shot.  : )


I do however enjoy reading/hearing about my friends' kids and their accomplishments, especially the little accomplishments because at the end of the day, those are the ones that matter.  And more likely than not, my child finally mastering potty training is much more interesting and exciting than anything your childless butt will do in a year!  Potty training takes persistence, patience, a little know how, some research, teamwork, a consistent routine, love, support, praise....your childless butt putting a new deck on the back of your house over the course of a weekend is not nearly the accomplishment of my sweet child mastering the potty and bladder control.


I am a firm believer that some folks just should not have kids.  If a person is so self concerned about how a child will negatively change their life then you probably wouldn't be a very good parent anyway.  I may be guilty of mommyjacking...but it's only because my kids are totally awesome!  Just kidding, though I have been known to give unsolicited parenting advice from time to time, it's done with the best of intentions and if you don't like my advice, don't take it...I love the email you sent, my sentiments exactly.


Humility is something all of us could benefit from and teaching our children that the world does not revolve around them includes giving them experiences in public places, like restaurants, air planes, the movie theatre, or even the playground.  I'm not sorry for sometimes over praising my children, it's how I get them to try new things.  I promise to teach my children manners and will reinforce with them that having good manners will get them farther in life than they'd ever imagined.  My hubby and I also promise to raise our children to be accommodating, accepting, and to value different types of families as well as people who don't have kids, but only if your childless butt will be kind to my child when they say hello to you from the booth behind you and maybe make a silly face or two at them...make them giggle, they're much more enjoyable when they giggle.